THE BANNED LIST
A BEST MAN.
NOT A CLICHÉ.
The funny bits should come from your stories.
Not someone else's wedding.
So we've retired 47 phrases. Familiar openings, borrowed jokes and all the lines that could be about absolutely anyone.
See what's on the list
RETIRED FROM
WEDDING DUTY.
Pick a category. You'll probably recognise a few.
Here's why we leave them out.
OPENERS
The first ten seconds decide whether the room is with you. These give them away.
- Ladies and gentlemen✓ Checked on every draft
You're not a ringmaster. Start with the groom.
Found on 9 websites in our research - For those of you who don't know me
They'll work it out from what you know.
- Without further ado✓ Checked on every draft
This is the ado.
- I'd like to say a few words
They can see you standing up.
- Good evening everyone
Fine at a parents' evening.
- Boys and girls
Nobody here is under thirty.
- Can everyone hear me at the back?
Ask the venue, not the room.
- I've been told to keep this short
Then keep it short. Don't announce it.
- Bear with me
Nerves are fine. Apologising for them isn't.
THE STOCK JOKES
Borrowed, every one of them. If the room has been to a wedding before, it knows how the sentence ends.
- The cake isn't the only thing in tiers
The oldest one on the list.
- Punching above his weight
An insult to him dressed as a compliment to her.
- He's a lucky man
See above.
- It's all downhill from here
Not a joke, a prediction.
- Ball and chain✓ Checked on every draft
1974 called.
Found on 3 websites in our research - Behind every great man
She's beside him. It's in the vows.
- I've known him since he was in nappies
Unless you did, and even then.
- Where do I start
At the start. We'll help.
- I could tell you about the time... but I won't
Then why mention it.
- He scrubs up well
He owns a mirror.
- Google said the best man speech should
Nobody wants to hear about your research.
- Marriage is like...
Whatever follows, it isn't.
ABOUT THE BRIDE
Two sentences, both about the two of them. Never about how she looks.
- Doesn't she look beautiful
Everyone can see her.
- Stunning / radiant / glowing
Estate-agent adjectives.
- He's out of his league
Still an insult.
- I don't know what she sees in him
You do. That's the speech.
- Welcome to the family
You're not her family.
- Look after him
She's not staff.
- The better half
Retired.
WEDDING-INDUSTRY WORDS
The vocabulary of venue brochures. Real people don't say these out loud.
- Rollercoaster of emotions
It was a bus.
- Journey
Unless there was a train.
- Special day
Every wedding is. Say what's special about this one.
- Soulmate
Save it for the card.
- Beautiful ceremony
They were there.
- The happy couple
They have names.
- Tie the knot
Retired.
- Better or worse
They've just said it. Once was enough.
- Fairy tale
Nobody wants to be in one.
- Made for each other
Show it. Don't declare it.
- Love is patient, love is kind
Already read out this afternoon.
THE TOAST
The last line should sound like you, not like the compère at a golf club dinner.
- Raise your glasses✓ Checked on every draft
They know what a toast is.
- Please be upstanding✓ Checked on every draft
Nobody has said "upstanding" since 1950.
- To the bride and groom
Use their names. Always.
Found on 3 websites in our research - May your love grow
Greetings-card territory.
- Here's to a lifetime of happiness
Same.
- Cheers
Fine at the bar. Not as the last word.
- That's all folks
No.
- I'll hand you back to
You're not a newsreader.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR SPEECH
LESS BORROWED.
MORE YOU.
We ask for the details only you know: the habits, the questionable purchases, the times your mate came through. That's where a speech starts to sound like him.
All 47 phrases are excluded in our writing instructions. Five also get a word-for-word check before you see a draft. They're marked in the list above.
If one of those five slips through, that's a bug. Let us know.
Where do the research numbers come from?
Three phrases carry counts from our July research: the number of independent websites where each appeared, counting a site once whether it recommended the phrase or warned against it. A high number means the phrase is widespread, not that anyone has ruled on it. The others come from our wider research and have no counted figure.
YOUR MATE DESERVES BETTER THAN A TEMPLATE.
LEAVE THE LINES.
BRING THE STORIES.
Tell us a little about the groom. We'll help you find an opening that could only be about him.
Two minutes. No sign-up. No card.